CORGI IN A PUB

I started this year with a week-long stay in Dubai – the place that provokes utterly different reactions, from disdain to tax residence. Some people like it, others say apart from the weather the place is one bare minus. 

As much as I’d not wanted to go there because of environmental issues and violations of labour rights, I had little choice but to succumb to the wheedling of my fiancée, her mother, my mother, and my sister. It’s like the only apple you’re not supposed to touch, and yet you find yourself ashamed and naked in the desert, forced to learn good and evil for yourself. 

In any case, as I genuinely believe there is nothing purely good or bad unless it’s the US foreign policy, I’ll do my best below to say both positive and negative things about Dubai. At the end of the day, everything’s a matter of personal taste – what one may like, others would call sexual harassment.

***

We had a night flight to Dubai, and the first thing my fiancée had to get done on the day was waking me up at 6.00 am so that we could get some sleep on the plane. I never sleep on planes, but since it was quite hard to make a full-scale argument ex-post, I raised myself from the bed and for the next three hours did nothing, which is what I usually do between 6.00 am and 9.00 am.

At around 11.00 am I received a life-changing lecture on why people shouldn’t eat the food on planes and was sent then for groceries to make a lunch box. Midday isn’t a common time to find yourself in a supermarket unless you’re a shoplifter. So, it was just me, some women pushing buggies and a bunch of young lads wearing hoodies. The lads took a meal deal, while I got salmon, spinach and asparagus, although I really wanted a meal deal. We paid at the till, and I returned home. 

It’s very convenient getting an evening flight because that way you’ve got the whole day before you, so after packing and cooking we could do anything we wanted to. It appeared that we didn’t want to do much, though, so we decided to set off for the airport early. 

On the train to Gatwick, a homeless man was asking for any change or food, and as it was the first occasion when I’d actually had a proper dinner with me – of slightly smoked salmon with steamed asparagus and sauteed spinach, I gave it to him without hesitation. Besides, no one’s immune to drastic turns in life, and we should always remain compassionate towards others. 

We flew with Emirates on the enormous A380. The plane, and everything inside of it, was so big and comfy that some people might’ve thought that they were already in Dubai. In any case, it’s fair to say that spending a night on a A380 is more comfortable than in many British inns. 

Since the moment we took off, my fiancée hadn’t stopped asking me, the crew and other passengers when the food would be served. Eventually, the food arrived, and I found myself being short by half a portion. Generosity is rewarding, but sometimes it’s not. I was close to starting off down the rows and asking other passengers to share, but luckily, Emirates serve food twice during a journey.

After almost seven hours of reading and watching my fiancée sleeping, I felt the plain begin to descend. Dubai was starting to appear, its beautiful pose and its recognisable silhouette, had made me conscious of this curious feeling – like you’re finally arriving at a place you’d never been before but anyway never wanted to. 

At the airport, I noticed that there was a direct Emirates flight from Manchester, probably, the most luxurious thing that Manchester has. All of the border officers were wearing ghutra and kandura, and my fiancée asked me whether they were sheikhs. I said yes, all seven of them. And we went for a bow. Our sheikh gave us free SIM cards and bid us to have fun in his kingdom. I wish all authoritarian leaders were like that. 

***

We stayed in Dubai Marina, a fashionable and affluent area, close to the Palm Jumeirah and the JBR (Jumeirah Beach Residences), ridged with residential skyscrapers and potted with yachts of different levels of luxury. 

Dubai Marina could be described as a perfect place for cats and dogs sitting by windows – something was always moving, falling, jumping, flashing: skydivers, lifts, yachts, fireworks. Although, apart from that, though, there is not much to do for pets. Whereas in Turkey, there are more street cats than there’re British people in Spain, in Dubai we barely saw any. Taxes, perhaps. 

Our accommodation was on the thirty-eight floor, with the lift ascending at the speed of a Lamborghini and dropping as quickly as Manchester United in the English Premier League Table. On the thirteen floor was the gym and the pool overlooking the marina. Every morning, I woke up at 7.00 am and head there to exercise and to have a fresh dawn plunge in a pool which was level with the sky. Each time that I went, I would meet interesting people in the lift. Curiously, the lift goes up and down so fast and yet one always has time to meet interesting people. It’s like life, but with interesting people. 

One morning, three voluptuous women came in sputtering rapidly in German and giggling, quite possibly after having a fun night. At the thirteen floor, leaning out, I said Danke Schön, as if I had been born German. I got my best German accent from watching a great deal of German Expressionists, of course. The girls were instantly mortified. 

In all honesty, I’m not always as inimitable as that, and I certainly don’t like embarrassing people at all (usually, people don’t need anyone else for it to happen). Rather often, I myself would say some silly stuff in the lifts. On another day in the same lift I met a delivery guy, carrying what looked like a thousand bags of bottled water, and after the lift had started up, after a little pause, I said – ‘that’s a lot of water’. He said – ‘yes’ and then the conversation ended. I felt as if I were one of those German girls. 

For our first dinner in Dubai I went for a bottle of wine – an adventure that in the UK would involve simply stepping outdoors and bad weather. In Dubai, you’ve got to register to get drunk – a fact that has just deterred thousands of people from going there. With the same predicament in Britain, you may only be looking for a good dentist. Although in Dubai you’d find one. 

Having said that, I didn’t ever see anyone smashed. Dubai must therefore be one of the top destinations for Dry January. The others are, obviously, Finland, the army, and jail. 

***

When I ordered my first taxi in Dubai, I was surprised when it arrived within a minute. The driver was irritated for I’d made him drive around the hotel’s car park a few times until I was there. I said, sorry, I’d no idea he’d be so quick, and that this was my first time in Dubai. He calmed down and started calling me ‘sir’. So, it worked. Anytime people are not happy with you, just say it’s your first time. So far it’s worked for me and for Elon Musk, so it should do. 

We came to our first tourist stop in Dubai – the Global Village, the place that had the best of all corners of the world. It was like a multicultural fair where all varieties, however different, were presented. Qatar, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq…. In moments such as these, one thinks, so true, despite all of our differences we, humans are so alike. 

There was Europe as well, but for some reason it was closed to visitors. There was America, the entire continent without borders; we were there before the inauguration, though. There was even Russia. I was surprised that only Russian people seemed to be interested in the Russian pavilion. Well, perhaps, true some say – Russia for the Russians. We went in and saw such Russian things as pilaf and a golden bijouterie. There were also “Russian focuses”, but we didn’t give them a try. Perhaps, they would’ve taken our money and given us a voucher.

After I’d had enough of exploring interesting places in the world, I found a seat in Turkey, while the ladies went to Syria, without me, despite two obvious reasons. I sat there and contemplated at how Turkey could look like without Erdogan – no public healthcare and social housing, of course. 

Frankly, detached from politics, all of these countries looked so auspicious, even the UK was in Europe. Maybe one day we’ll all live in just one Global Village where everyone’s accepted and welcomed, no borders, no alliances, no North Korea, at least for six months every year (Global Village is closed in the summer).